By ANTHONY THANASAYAN

Tuesday was St Valentine’s Day, a day devoted to love and lovers. I chatted with some of my disabled pals recently and quizzed them about their personal thoughts and views about forging relationships – especially when one has a disability.

Is a disability a hurdle in creating lifelong relationships?

Apparently, many deaf people prefer to date other deaf individuals, owing to one of their biggest obstacles: communicating with the outside hearing world.

According to Lucy Lim, the assistant manager and sign language interpreter of the YMCA in Kuala Lumpur, when it comes to meeting other deaf dates, the deaf feel more comfortable in meeting with the individuals in person. This enables them to get to know each other through face-to-face communication using sign language rather than through high-tech methods such as text messaging and e-mail.

“The deaf also have to put up with spelling mistakes as their vocabulary is limited – some of them have problems with written English or Bahasa Malaysia and are unable to write properly,” said Lim.

Jessica Mak is deaf and a senior administrator for the KL YMCA Deaf Club.

She said that there are many things the hearing are able to do that the deaf obviously cannot.

“Hearing couples, for instance, are able to hold hands and communicate at the same time,” Mak pointed out. The deaf, on the other hand, cannot hold hands for long as they need their hands to communicate with each other,” she added.

Mak went on to say that sometimes deaf lovers have misunderstandings and nasty quarrels when they use text messaging and e-mail because they use the wrong words when trying to communicate with each other.

“Thus Webcams and 3G technology are better suited for deaf users as, then, they are able to see each other on the computer monitor or mobile screens,” Jessica explained, adding that the problem with such deaf-friendly technology is its high cost and limited accessibility to the local deaf community.

Another point to consider, said Jessica, is that hearing couples can meet anywhere, especially at night and still be able to communicate with each other. For the deaf, though, romantic night-time rendezvous must always be in a well-lit place so that they can see each other in order to sign to each other using their hands.

Lovers in wheelchairs also face a unique set of problems.

Many places which able-bodied lovers go to, such as dance clubs, pubs or even the local “lover’s lane” spots are inaccessible to wheelchairs because they don’t have ramps.

To some people, even in this day and age, the idea of two wheelchair-bound people falling in love, getting married and even starting a family still seems preposterous.

I have known of couples in wheelchairs residents of a home for the disabled – being severely reprimanded for their “indecent act” when they were “caught” holding hands with each other. And these were individuals well into their 30s and 40s!

Imagine such an attitude prevailing in a centre that is supposed to help disabled people achieve their full potential in life.

Shouldn’t part of our support for disabled people in our society also involve helping them to become self-reliant, find a life partner and perhaps even raise kids of their own?

I am reminded of a couple of disability awareness talks that my wheelchair friends and I gave at colleges that were packed with young people.

Many of them came up to us after one talk and commented that they had expected the session to be a very sad one but were surprised when it turned out to be a lively discussion instead.

My female friends who were with me that day told the audience that, despite being in a wheelchair, they felt just as sexy and appealing as someone who was able-bodied.

My friends also said that they would much rather go clubbing, shopping or to the movies than to be taken to a charity dinner or outing.

“Actually, we would be quite flattered to go out on a date, if anyone is interested,” they said boldly, to which the audience gave them a round of applause.

By the way, one of them is happily married to an able-bodied person and is the mother of two lovely children.

The other friend decided to marry someone in a wheelchair; she says that she now has a partner who fully understands all her needs.